Saturday, November 7, 2009

Chapter Nine

I’m afraid I’m being an awful nuisance. - Last words of Edith Sitwell




Chapter Nine


Death stood next to a rack of warehouse shelving. Forklifts whipped past her at high speeds, delivering heavy cargos to and from the racks.


According to her checklist, one Daniel Boomgarten would be struck by a forklift carrying a load of charitable gifts donated by local businesses in one minute and twelve seconds.


She saw Daniel come down the stairs from the operations office, and made a check on her list. He checked his own watch, and then set out across the warehouse.


Death watched closely as he walked past the first row of shelving, with her stop watch at the ready. As Daniel stepped out into the middle of the second aisle, he noticed a movement out of the corner of his eye and narrowly avoided being struck by a forklift carrying donated gifts. It was, in fact, the forklift that was supposed to kill him.


Death quickly double-checked her notes. Yes, that was definitely supposed to have killed him.


Daniel continued, oblivious to Death’s intentions, on to the area of the warehouse he needed to get to. Death followed him closely.


As he walked, he was nearly struck by a falling pallet of glass ornaments, impaled by steel rod thrown by a grinding machine, and severely burned by a severed gas line.


Death could not believe this guy’s reflexes.


By this time, Daniel was a little shaken. On a normal day, he never encountered so many near-misses. The safety record for the warehouse was completely obliterated today.


He decided that, maybe, he’d just call it a day and go home early.


On his way home, the hood of his car somehow came unlatched and flew open on the freeway, completely obstructing his view of the road. He somehow managed to get to the side of the road safely. Seconds later, an out of control semi truck came careening through the same breakdown lane Daniel was currently in at sixty five miles per hour. He shouldn’t have had time to get out of the way.


But he did.


Death was starting to get a little frustrated. Daniel should have been dead ten times over, by her count. She kept directing impossible situations towards him, and he kept getting out of the way.


Coincidentally, she was due to collect a helicopter pilot, who was about to crash due to a mechanical failure in this general area. Through a little bit of suggestion, she was able to direct the helicopter to crash exactly where Daniel was standing.


He moved.


“For fucks sake!” Death exclaimed.


The helicopter pilot, who thought she was talking to him, said “Yeah, that’s what I think too. Damn thing was just inspected.”


“Not you. That guy. He’s got to be the most slippery bastard alive.”


“Oh,” the pilot said. “So, uh, what’s next here?”


“You’re hanging out with me until I manage to kill this guy,” Death said.


“I see,” the pilot said. “I’ll just stay out of the way over here, if you don’t mind.”


“Fine,” Death said.


Daniel arrived home safely, much to Death’s dismay. After the strange day he’d had, he decided that maybe he’d skip cooking and just have a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner.


He didn’t choke on it.


After dinner, he decided to go for a walk to clear his head. He was, understandably, completely freaked out by his day. How many people nearly get hit by a crashing helicopter, after all?


His favorite path to walk, fortunately for death, was along side a railroad. One might think that Daniel would have avoided such a place, but few people actually believe that a force in the universe is out to get them.


This was his mistake.

He was walking along the railroad tracks, and heard a train coming. As the train approached, he stepped further away from the tracks, and kept an eye on the train.


He should have kept an eye on where he was walking. Death, taking no more chances, stuck out her foot and tripped him just as the train reached him. He fell in front of the train and did not, in fact, manage to dodge it.


“What a totally fucked up day,” Daniel’s soul said.


“Tell me about it,” Death said. “Let’s go, you two.”

No comments:

Post a Comment